I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
