her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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