someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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