imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got inside last night via doggy door
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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