I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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