i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
