I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The best revenge is premature balding
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
