Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
