You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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