Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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