I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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