she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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