seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
