it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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