Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
