if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
