yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
