she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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