I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
