my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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