What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
