I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
