i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
