so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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