u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
