She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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