I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
