I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
