drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
