Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
