Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
