i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize