tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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