I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
