Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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