So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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