my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
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