I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
