Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
