your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
they need to just BURY HIM!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
