just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize