I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wish I only lived at night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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