She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dignity is for republicans.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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