I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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