the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
