i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
