Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
