if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
