Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
