I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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