So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
