The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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