I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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