I want to walk on stilts...naked
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
