My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
