a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
