I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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