Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
