i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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